As someone committed to fully being ME, you’d think I would’ve gotten this before but I have to admit, I’ve only recently really integrated the whole knowledge of “shadow selves” into wisdom. Not familiar with the term?  Let me put it this way, the Shadow refers to any part of yourself that you think isn’t good. Any part of your life or behavior that brings about feelings of shame, not good enough, disgust, embarrassment, etc.

I’ve attending countless workshops and seminars  throughout the years and although I’ve read about, heard of, and even worked on my own shadow numerous times along the way, pinning  it down in my day to day life had proven challenging to say the least.  I mean, they call it a shadow for a reason people!  When we believe something about us is so bad that we will be judged, hurt or not loved because of it, we become quite skilled at trying to hide it. Thankfully, we live in a friendly universe and the principal “what we resist persists.” is it’s way of supporting us to wholeness. Our Soul  knows that in order for us to live a joy filled life, we must love ourselves fully and to do that, we must become aware of and make peace with the parts of ourselves we’ve disowned. This fact raised 2 very important questions for me.

1. Where do I look to find my Shadow?

And

2. What do I do with it when I find it? 

With the following insights, working with my shadow has been easier than I had thought and the clues pointing to it are everywhere!
 
Look for your shadow in these hiding places...

What really bugs you about someone else?  Messengers (the people around us) are one of our Soul’s main ways of showing us what we most need to know. Our messengers often act as mirrors to show us what we don’t like about ourselves by exhibiting that exact behavior. When you notice something you don’t like in someone else you’ve found shadow.  Ask yourself, “Have I ever done that to myself or to others? Do I make myself wrong when I do? (For more info on this see my video “Mirror, mirror on the wall”).

Where do you edit your behavior or words, in order to gain love, approval or acceptance? Pay attention to when you say yes when you want to say no and where you take special pains to edit yourself when speaking, writing or dressing, to appear a certain way. What do you not want people to think about you? The answer to that question is a shadow.  Make friends with that character trait by noticing the good aspects of it. For example; if you want to appear “professional”, what are some benefits of being more “natural”?

Where do you over compensate with extreme behavior? Another great question to ask yourself is, “What do I pride myself for?” Is it being responsible, a good friend, beautiful?  A great place to look for the shadow is the opposite of what you consider to be your best traits. Typically when we place a lot of importance on being something we perceive as good, we will find within ourselves an aversion to the opposite of that trait. 

In my case, my “badge of honor” was being independent and strong.  What was the shadow I was trying to avoid? It was being dependent and vulnerable.  After all, the last time I embraced those traits, I got my heart broken. While I became quite good at being a one woman army, in the process I threw out my ability to connect deeply in an intimate relationship with a man. How, you ask?  Because 1. It’s impossible to love deeply without being vulnerable and 2. In order to foster passion in relationship it takes the polarity of me embracing my feminine nature and allowing myself to be “taken care of”.  BINGO! SHADOW!

Now let’s tackle question 2.  What do I do with my shadow once I find it?

The answer…. (Drum roll please) Anything you can to embrace it and come to peace with it.  Here are a couple tips.

Realize the benefits of that aspect that you are trying to hide.  Every so called “negative” trait, when in balance, is an amazing and life enhancing quality. For example; stubbornness at its best is determined,   irresponsible at its best is carefree.   Balance is the key!!

Recognize that you are not always one trait…bad or good. Let’s face it. I might be selfish sometimes but there are plenty of times when I’m generous. Polarity exists in each of us and for as much dark as we have, there is light to balance it. Sometimes being selfish is necessary in order to create boundaries etc.

See yourself as a child would see itself. A child would never put itself down because it got angry. A child would never make itself wrong because it moved away from something it didn’t want and moved towards what it did!!  When dealing with the shadow, do your best to cut out all the learned beliefs about your behavior or your feelings and love the heck outta yourself instead! There is no right or wrong, there is just… what is.

In closing, the extra added benefit to “shadow work “is all the renewed ENERGY you will find for all the things that matter most to you! Like Debbie Ford says, “trying to repress the shadow is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater.”  In short my friends, it takes a lot of work and it’s EXHAUSTING!” Give yourself the freedom that accepting all parts of you brings! You, after all, are the only YOU there is. No one else is better qualified at being that!!